What is the lesson that I am not getting? Or is it the lesson that I am refusing to get?

I know what the lesson is. The lesson is about me. The lesson is about me, my self esteem, and my self-worth. The lesson is about what I believe. It is about stopping just paying lip service and to start believing when I tell people I like myself. To start believing when I tell myself I like myself. The lesson is to start believing in myself.

Then why do I grasp at straws, looking at any excuse not to like myself? Why do I seize every opportunity and everybody else’s behavior as a confirmation to NOT like myself? I know that their actions and behavior is caused by their decisions and their consciousness, not mine. I know that, so why don’t I believe it?

I know that my dad did not just not love me. He didn’t love me if my name would have been Peter, Olav or Rumpelstilchen. My dad loved only himself. His only goal in life was to please himself with no regard for others. It was his choice, his decision, his conscious, not something I did. I know that, so why don’t I believe it?

I know that although Mark was my best friend, I wasn’t his. I know that with that the balance would always be off. No matter what. I know that his triggers are commitment, death, and involvement. I have known that for years. He has proven them for years. So why don’t I believe it?

I know that he never in a million years could have known the impact he caused on my life when he called me a trick. I know that to him there was no emotional meaning or purpose behind that word other than to just put me down. It is I who instead of ducking the insult instead accepted it as a confirmation of how everyone else sees me. A trick. I know that until the day comes where I tell him this, it will haunt me. I know that, so why don’t I believe it?

I know that I wasn’t fired because of me. I was fired because I was set up, targeted and used. I was fired because I was the token homo in IT, enduring the insults, the remarks. I was fired because someone else decided they didn’t like me. Not because of anything I did. I know that, so why don’t I believe it?

I know that I shouldn’t do drugs. They hurt me; they don’t make me cool, nor make me hot. Instead they shorten my life, endanger my health. The cool times are far outnumbered by the bad times.

I know that, so why don’t I believe it?

Why don’t I believe it?

Because I knew that having unprotected sex put me at risk for HIV. I didn’t believe that either.

My name is Sven