We all know that I am not perfect. I have never pretended to be perfect, nor do I really aim to be perfect anymore. It is way too much pressure and quiet frankly perfection is highly overrated.

With that said, I have been asking myself these last couple of days why it has been so hard to admit to people that I relapsed 10 days ago. Which is what happened. I ended a 103 day continuing streak of sobriety by going out on a Sunday. And I can’t really give you a reason why I did it. Because there is not a good enough reason to have relapsed. Was I stressed about my deposition for my lawsuit? Yes I was, but that wasn’t a reason to relapse over. That was a reason to have asked for help and support. Was I thinking that maybe after 103 days I could just do it once more and be okay with it? Probably yes, but I know better and I should have used the tools I have been given in those days to intercept that destructive thought process. Was I trying to self sabotage like I have done so many times in the past? Probably, 32 year old behavior doesn’t change overnight so why should I expect it to do just that with me.

Do I feel ashamed for having relapsed? No, not really. Not anymore and I will tell you why. My last time going out brought home so many more points that before hand I may have known but never truly realized nor understood. I now know that addiction is a disease. A disease for which there is no known cure other than to take it one day at the time. A disease that kills if it is allowed. In many ways it is so very similar to having HIV, another disease for which there is no known cure and that will kill when allowed. I remembered the reason why I got sober again, because in a matter of minutes I was back in that same dark and lonely place I had been in for so many months when I was an active user. That feeling of being a victim, of being misunderstood. Of feeling that doing drugs is my only option in order to survive in a world that is cold and lonely. And I realize that it is cold and lonely BECAUSE I do drugs. I realize that it is dark and lonely BECAUSE that is what my disease does to me. It darkens the light that is my spirit and makes me believe that I am all alone in all my problems and issues. With no other options available to me other than to continue to get high.

Did I enjoy my high? No not really, because as soon as I got high I realized I had made a mistake and opened a door that has to be forever left closed in my life. It is a door to a room that is full of demons, of delusions; of distorted realities that make me believe (even in my high) that I am undeserving of anything good in my life, that I am a bad person (which I am not), a loser and a quitter with no right to a happy life and no claim to joy or love. It is the door to a room which houses a committee that consists of all the demons of my past: dad, Garry, Wyatt, John, work, Sven.

What you need to understand is that when I am sober these people are no longer demons in my life but rather teachers who have taught me some incredibly valuable lessons and have guided me to where I am today on my path. When I get high, I allow my disease to put a mask on them and make them into hurtful and mean spirited people. In my sobriety I understand that they are all on their own path in life and I have been blessed enough to have been guided by them.

And while I may have lost my winning streak of 100 some days, I didn’t lose my 103 days of sobriety. I still have those under my belt and they will serve as a great and solid foundation as I continue with my sobriety. I pride myself on the fact that I was able to be sober for 103 days uninterrupted for the first time in my life. Between alcohol, marijuana and crystal meth I have never had a sober run in my life that was this long, this great and this joyous. And all that I still have to build upon. That, my friends, is an amazing achievement that I am so very proud of, because I never intended to get sober in life. I never intended to turn my life around because I was done with life in so many dark and desperate ways. To have been given 103 days of sunshine in my life has made me stronger than ever before and more determined and spirited than I have ever felt before.

So, with all that said, I am in many ways happy that I relapsed for all the realizations it allowed me to make out of it. Good, healthy, logical understandings that allow me to feed the light of my spirit and to keep boldly walking on my path. A path that I enjoy walking because it is the one thing in life that is truly and completely all mine and mine alone. It is something that God has put me on and that I have the option to turn into something amazing and wonderful, one hour at the time; one day at the time. It is a path that I will never have to share with anyone or that anyone other than me can ever take away from me. It is the most amazing gift I have ever received, as it is truly the gift of creation.

And as I believe and as I do, I create.

I created myself, sober today.

My name is Sven