Survivor Guilt: a deep feeling of guilt often experienced by those who have survived some catastrophe that took the lives of many others.

People who survive a plane crash often suffer from survival guilt asking themselves why they continue to live when others died. Holocaust survivors are another group of people that deal with this kind of guilt, being the only remaining member of their entire family or town to survive the concentration camps.

People who survived a house fire that killed others in their family may suffer as do people involved in a car accident. The list is long, very long. And somewhere close to the bottom of the list, barely even noticeable, is the lost survivor.

Imagine being 30 years old and being told that you have contracted a virus for which there is no known cure. There is barely even a name for it. Most likely you will die before turning 35. Imagine having to tell your parents that in all likelihood they may see your return to heaven as they saw your arrival to earth. Imagine watching your friends, who also were dealt the same virus, die sometimes 5 months after they found out.

Imagine that.

Now fast forward 22 years and you are still alive. Imagine having spent every last dollar you had tucked away, thinking the clock was ticking, only to live long enough to start collecting Social Security. Without any kind of financial resources left, you are left to truly live of Social Security alone.

You have outlived your parents and most, if not all, of your friends. Yet you are still standing. The last time you caught the flu, you were convinced that was it: last call before check out. Imagine recovering from that flu but having it given to your elderly father who was too weak to fight it and died because of the complications YOUR flu caused.

Imagine being a person that does not belong to any kind of statistic because your statistic was never expected to have occurred.

Imagine that.

You have beaten the highest of odds and are still standing. If you would have placed a $5 bet that you would live this long, your pay out would have made you a very rich person. That is how high the odds were that you DIDN’T make it to this point.

A truly amazing accomplishment, congratulations on surviving! In exchange for staying alive this long, you are now allowed to live a phantom existence. A phantom existence in a society that never really counted on you still being here.

There are no long term benefits calculated or allotted for you. There is no support system organized; there are no studies, seminars, groups or any other kind of reference you can turn to. After all: you were supposed to be dead. You don’t know how to deal with old age; you weren’t SUPPOSED to have to deal with old age. Here you are, being forced to deal with issues that you had not accounted or planned for: retirement benefits; health issues due to aging; you are about to enter your “Golden Years.”

So you try to look for something, someone that can validate your existence; someone who was there when you first found out you were going to die. Yet there is no one left, no point of reference to go by.

No validation for your existence, no matter where you look or whom you talk to. They all have that same look in their eyes. That look of surprise and horror: YOU WEREN’T SUPPOSED TO BE HERE! HERE, TODAY.

You are supposed to be dead! Why aren’t you dead??

Imagine all that.

Talk about survivor’s guilt.

Ask the lost survivors: the 20 year survivors of HIV.

My name is Sven