It used to be that no matter what bad thing happened to me, or every time I got my foolish heart broken or how those mountains seemed to be getting harder and harder to climb, I would come out on top. I never lost that feeling of innocence. I never lost that feeling that the world is a great place full of great people, if you just gave them the opportunity to be.

Then things started to change. I don’t know exactly when, but they did. Not drastically at first, but bit by bit. And as that started to happen, I started to feel more and more like an outsider. Like the kid behind the fence around the playing ground. Bit by bit I no longer felt that I fit in. My belief structure became noticeably different from those around me. Now in my late twenties, I finally started coming into myself as a person. But while I was getting all excited about it, proud of being such a diverse person, I felt ostracized and ridiculed. Jokes about being butch and being a girl stopped being funny a long time ago but still whenever I mentioned something I had achieved, I was met with rolling eyes and a disbelieving snicker.

My sexuality had taken on a life of its own but instead of it being accepted as an integral part of who I am, it became this 3rd person. It is very hard to explain what that feels like. I am a very sexual person; I define a lot of who I am by my sexuality. To have that made into something that is either a joke or something funny only made me feel even more like a freak of nature that just didn’t belong.

Becoming HIV positive added another layer of separation on me. There was an enormous amount of guilt I had to work through. Guilt for having done something that got me sick. Guilt for not living up to my friends’ expectations of me. Guilt for living up to my father’s statements and believing that he might have been right. Guilt for maybe having done this on purpose so that I would finally fit in somewhere. And as I was trying to process my new status in life, my guilt and my belief system, I was fired. Fired because they felt I had abandoned my job. Another place telling me that I didn’t fit in. So I started isolating myself more and more. Sometimes it is easier being alone than being out in the world where people can and will hurt you. I created the most amazing prison for myself, a place I can barely stand to be in but have no other choice but to stay at. It resembles both my fortress as well as my dungeon. In order to find my angels to give me strength, I must fight my demons at the same time, all in the same place.

Over the course of the last year or so, that battle has worn me down considerably. That feeling of innocence is getting harder to hold on to. Some nights, the demons win over the angels and I find myself battling for my sanity just to make it through the night.

And then I met Barry. I called him my savior. For Barry was the man of my dreams. NOT my knight in shining armor, but the man of my dreams. When I looked at Barry, I saw a lot of myself and how I wanted to be or become. Barry was living proof that I wasn’t an outsider. A man who shared my spirituality, my belief system, my sexuality. Barry showed me that it was okay just being me. Actually, it was amazing being me. For the first time in my life, I felt that the puzzle was complete. I could be sensitive and caring at the same time as I could be manly and butch. I looked up to him with such respect and admiration. To receive his gratitude for just being me was one of the most amazing feelings I have ever experienced in my life. I didn’t have to be on guard or pretend; I could just relax and be myself. I felt together. Here was a man who stood for so many of the things I stood for. But while I was still struggling for acceptance and battling feelings of being an outsider, Barry showed me that I wasn’t a freak and I could indeed achieve all I wanted to achieve and to be just what I wanted to be: me.

For every bit of praise and respect I got from him, another layer of guilt and shame would fall away. With every bit of acknowledgement, the voice of my dad telling me I was a mistake become softer and softer. With each and every talk I stopped looking at myself as just a trick and started seeing myself as a whole person. Somebody whose thoughts and ideas are valid and finally started to solidify my self worth. He became my teacher and role model.

For 31 years I have had to structure and build myself without having anyone to compare myself to or to mold after. It has been like operating in a vacuum, hit and miss most of the time, trying to develop an identity, belief system and thought structure that fits me. There has been no father figure in my life that did that, no uncle, no teacher. No blueprint or guideline, I had to create myself from nothing, hoping I was doing it right. Barry became my blueprint. Somebody I could look to and compare my drawings with. Finally, somebody told me after 31 years that I was a beautiful person on every level. Spiritual, sexual, intellectual and physical. And I received confirmation for the first time that I was on the right path.

There has been a lot of talk about how you should be your own rock, your own role model. You shouldn’t need anybody else but you. If that is the case, then show me one person who calls out their own name after having a nightmare. Show me one person who can say that none of their behavior or beliefs stem from other people. Your parents teach your right from wrong, they are supposed to show you what love is and to prepare you with enough self worth to start your journey into this world. Teachers will show you how to add 1 plus 1 and how to drive a car. Lovers will teach you about passion and compassion. God will teach you about forgiveness. Mentors will guide you along your journey and become a voice of confidence when you are unsure what your next step should be.

When Barry told me I was a fake, a fraud and shut me out of his life; my dad told me again that I was a mistake; my job told me I was a quitter and my ex told me I was never anything more than just a trick all at the same time.

And I find myself once again standing behind the fence around the playing ground looking in. Wondering if I will ever get to be let in and belong.

My blueprint gone, I have been on standby for the last 3 weeks. I don’t feel, I don’t know and I don’t belong. I am questioning each and every aspect of my life. I am empty and lost and no longer know what my next step is.

The same question in my head: what if they are right? My dad, my job, my former friends, my ex, Barry. What if I am just that: a fraud, a mistake. How do I justify my existence? What if everything I believe in and stand for is wrong and I somehow created myself as a non-reality.

Where do I go from here?

I lost more than a friend on August 29th.

I lost my innocence.